


I'm Not Stupid Enough to Believe I Could Just Kiss You and Leave (There Will Be Prices to Pay)

by kikitheslayer



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Getting Together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-30
Updated: 2017-09-30
Packaged: 2019-01-07 04:24:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12225699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kikitheslayer/pseuds/kikitheslayer
Summary: Just the two of them. Just the bare naked truth that Eleanor could not avoid.





	I'm Not Stupid Enough to Believe I Could Just Kiss You and Leave (There Will Be Prices to Pay)

Eleanor was still learning. She supposed that that ought to be the title of her autobiography, at this point: _Still Learning: The Eleanor Shellstrop Story_. She could even picture the cover: her, standing against a bright blue background, shrugging at the camera with her eyebrows raised. It would be a best seller. Not many people can claim to have faced down Hell and won.

Literally.

But a lot had changed since Life. In Life, Eleanor never would have thought that she could have done something like that. She had spent most of her Life specifically avoiding anything that felt strenuous or unfun. In Life, Eleanor had felt so evolved. Not afraid of anything.

What bullshit.

(God, Eleanor was glad that she could swear again.)

Eleanor had learned. She had learned how to be brave. She had been brave when she faced down giant shrimp, brave the first time she cracked open an Ethics textbook, brave when she stood up in a crowd and came clean, brave when she had looked The Bad Place in the eye and told it that she had the power.

And she had been most brave the day after it all happened. In that train car. When there was nothing left but honesty.

But she could not think about that now.

(Eleanor was still afraid to cry; a few more hundred years, maybe, and she would kick that one, too.)

Eleanor pulled the blanket around her shoulders, tight. She rummaged through the pantry with one hand, pulling out a box of crackers and a jar of peanut butter. She tucked the crackers under her arm and unscrewed the lid of the peanut butter jar, dipping in a finger and sticking it into her mouth. It did not taste as good as peanut butter had in The Good Place, but at least she knew that, the next day, the city was not going to be overrun with evil, animatronic George Washington Carvers (Attempt #204).

“Eleanor?” 

Eleanor looked up to find Chidi standing in the doorway, the light of the hallway behind him. He walked farther into the dim kitchen. He was wearing a set of flannel pajamas. Eleanor felt an affectionate tug in her heart.

Eleanor nodded in greeting. Peanut butter was still stuck to the roof of her mouth.

“That peanut butter is for everyone you know,” Chidi commented, pulling open the fridge. He pulled out a container of environmentally-friendly almond milk, then crossed to the cabinet and pulled out a glass.“Do we need to have more ethics lessons?”

“Newsflash, Chidi,” said Eleanor, “It’s not rude if I just eat the whole jar. Check and mate, my friend.”

Chidi laughed, taking a seat at the kitchen counter. “I guess you got me there.” He took a big gulp of his milk, leaving a thin line of white on his upper lip. After a moment, he added, “So, where is she?”

“Janet? I think she and Jason are trying to replicate a nightclub with all those Eagles songs.”

“For a serial liar, you are surprisingly bad at diversion.”

Eleanor shrugged. “You guys have made me so soft.”

\--

ATTEMPT #56

Through the thick door, Eleanor could still hear the sound of Tahani’s party raging outside. First there was music and laughter, later screaming -- Eleanor didn’t care. Her back was pressed against one of Tahani’s many guest beds, her legs slung up around Tahani’s waist. Her “Best Person” sash was tangled somewhere on the floor.

“I don’t normally do things like this,” panted Tahani, in between pressing kisses against Eleanor’s collarbone.

“Girls?” breathed Eleanor, tangling her hands in Tahani’s hair.

“No, I mean… ditching my own --”

She was cut off, however, by the loud crash of the oak door slamming against the floor. 

Tahani and Eleanor both froze. Eleanor peered around Tahani. In the space where the door had stood, she could now make out about 200 stunned faces. Also fire.

“Motherforker,” muttered Eleanor, as Tahani rolled off her, and blushing, adjusted her dress. “What is this, The Bad Place?”

Somewhere deep in the crowd, Michael yelled, “You have _got_ to be kidding me!”

\--

Eleanor sighed. “Tahani’s on the porch. I told her I wanted to get an early night. I’m just getting a snack.”

Chidi nodded thoughtfully. “I believe you once explained to me that that phrase either means ‘I want to break up’ or ‘I feel more like masturbating than sex tonight.’”

“ _Or_ it means that there’s a reality show on tonight and you’re going to ruin it by asking questions the whole time.” Eleanor shook her head. “I think you need more Eleanor lessons.”

Chidi shook his head. “I think I’ve had enough Eleanor lessons to last a lifetime.”

“I don’t know,” said Eleanor, “maybe I’ll make you a refresher pamphlet. Stick it in Janet’s mouth.”

\--

ATTEMPT #218

Eleanor rubbed her thumb absentmindedly over the top of Tahani’s hand. “You know, I didn’t think we were going to fit at first.”

“You didn’t?” Tahani looked over at her. They were sitting on Eleanor’s bed in her house, and one of her legs was slung over Eleanor’s.

“No way,” said Eleanor. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I thought you were a hot, leggy goddess. But I didn’t think I’d _like_ you.”

Tahani tightened her brow. “Is that supposed to be less insulting?”

“You know what I mean,” said Eleanor. “You were so perfect, you know? And I was a fraud.”

“So was I,” said Tahani quietly. “And,” she mused, “I suppose I did find you a little grating at first.”

Eleanor slapped her lightly on the arm. “What!? Grating is way more insulting than my thing!”

Tahani rolled her eyes. “Well, I love you now, so you clearly won.”

Eleanor pressed a quick kiss to Tahani’s lips. “Sure did, babe.” She squeezed her hand. “I’m really glad you’re my soulmate.”

\--

“You should go and talk to her, you know.”

Eleanor rolled her eyes. “Please, Chidi, let’s not end on a bad note with you moralizing to --”

Chidi cut in, “Do you mean what our entire relationship based on?”

“Right,” replied Eleanor. “Sorry. I’m just saying, I know how to deal with my own wife.”

“Fine,” said Chidi, “as long as you admit that it’s because you’re scared.”

Eleanor scoffed. “What?”

Chidi shrugged, as though it was obvious. “You’re a scaredy cat, Eleanor! You could be out there making the most of this time, but instead you’re in here moping because you are too scared to face Tahani.”

Eleanor took a seat next to Chidi and slumped over the table. “Can you make me feel better about this? Like ethically?”

\--

Eleanor stared at the dark wall across from her bunk, listening to the sound of the world whizzing past outside. In her head, she replayed familiar images: her first day in The Bad Place, her first ethics class, the day in that one, beautiful loop where Tahani had told her she loved her in a field of cactuses.

They were on a train to the Neutral Zone, to wait out their sentencing. (This time, however, they had their own house.)

Eleanor shoved herself in one motion off of the bed. She pushed out of her compartment and walked into Tahani’s, pulling the door closed behind her. 

“Eleanor?” asked Tahani. 

The room was shrouded in darkness, and Eleanor could only just make out Tahani’s outline sitting on the bunk.

“What are you doing?” asked Tahani.

Eleanor crossed over to the bunk in one long stride, leaned down, and took Tahani’s face in her hands. “I’m being brave,” she said, and she kissed her.

No pretense. No soulmates. No lies. Just the two of them. Just the bare naked truth that Eleanor could not avoid.

\--

“Some would argue that you should find happiness merely in the fact of the time that you and Tahani shared together,” said Chidi. “That those experiences, regardless of the present situation, are what’s important.”

Eleanor looked up at him. “Who said that?”

“Dr. Seuss.”

Chidi leaned lower over the counter, too, wrapping an arm around Eleanor’s shoulders. “You were a hell of a soulmate, Eleanor Shellstrop.”

Eleanor smiled at him. “So were you, Chidi Anagonye. But --” Eleanor smiled. “Tahani and I aren’t soulmates. We just... understood each other.”

Chidi nodded. “I know. That’s why you ought to talk to her.”

\--

Shawn rubbed his temples. “This is exhausting.”

Eleanor maintained a neutral expression, though she was holding hands with Tahani. They -- as well as Chidi, Jason, and Janet -- were standing behind Michael and a representative of The Good Place, a very nice woman named Karen.

“All right,” said Shawn briskly, looking up, “here’s my deal. I will allow The Good Place these four souls. I will even allow you to take Michael, though that is hardly a sacrifice. I am even open to talks about the rehabilitation of more souls. But I have one condition.”

“What’s that?” asked Karen.

“I want this embarrassment purged from the record. I want all of Michael’s notes on this disastrous experiment expunged, and I want these humans to get a clean slate in The Good Place. Wipe their memories, sprinkle them in different parts of the The Good Place. As far as they are concerned, they have been in stasis since their deaths.”

“Is that all?” asked Karen. “Agreed.”

Tahani squeezed Eleanor’s hand so tight she thought it might break.

\--

Eleanor stepped out onto the porch. It was neither hot nor cold, but when she sat down next to Tahani, feet planted on the top step, Tahani snuggled against Eleanor under the blanket.

After a moment, Tahani said, her voice high, “Maybe this will be good, you know? Relationships can get stale if you don’t try new things. Maybe one day I’ll be in a strange part of The Good Place, and I’ll be like, Eleanor! Fancy seeing you here! And then we can --” She stopped suddenly. “What can we do?”

Eleanor rested her head on Tahani’s shoulder. “We can watch reruns of British sitcoms without any jokes. And you can decorate our house, which will be the perfect size and not have any pictures of clowns.”

Tahani nodded. “And you can have a drink and then complain about jazz for a few hours.”

“And you can throw fancy parties for all the charitable celebrities.”

“And you can drag me away from them to make out in one of our many guest bedrooms.” Tahani paused. “And then we can talk about how stupid it was, when we were all sad in the Neutral Zone, thinking we were never going to see each other again.”

Eleanor swallowed. “I’m still learning,” she said slowly. “In Life, nothing scared me more than other people.”

\--

“Let’s get married.”

“What?”

Eleanor took both Tahani’s hands in hers. “I mean it,” she said. “Janet is a minister. Or I don’t know what the terminology is, but she definitely has enough power vested in her to officiate a stupid wedding.”

They had been in the Neutral Zone for 46 days.

“Tahani Al-Jamil.” Eleanor bent to one knee. “Will you marry me?”

Tears came to Tahani’s eyes. “I never thought I’d be this happy to be proposed to in such a drab local!”

\--

“And now, in Death? Nothing scares me more than losing you.”

“So what’s the goal?” asked Tahani. Her voice was tight. “To get over the stupid part of you that still wants me? To move on?”

Eleanor shook her head. “Of course not. I’d walk through Hell for you, Tahani. And for all of you. And you all did for me.”

Tahani smiled, turning to look at Eleanor. “I’m really glad you’re mine, Eleanor Shellstrop.”

Eleanor nodded. “I love you.”

They watched the sun come up above the desert, the dark sky fading, fading.

\--

When Eleanor woke up, she was promptly informed that she was dead. She was placed in a beautiful house in a beautiful town surrounded by beautiful people.

That was when Janet appeared and handed her a note.

It was printed in Eleanor’s own handwriting. 

ELEANOR -- FIND TAHANI.

\--

And years and years and years later, Eleanor did.

And that, after all, still left them the better part of eternity.

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't fit it into the story but the happy ending includes everybody else reuniting cause I'm a sap ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> Title from "Then OK" by Julia Nunes.


End file.
